Tuesday, February 17, 2009
What's going down y'all?
This post I'm delving into self. You ever feel conflicted about which way to go down that fork in the road? Well it seems like I'm over here at the Circles feeling my inner demons battle for supremacy. Some back story first.
10 yrs ago I was finishing up with school as a Communications major. I was 22. I was also planning on being a millionare by the age of 25. I was killing open mics, performing with legends and getting recognized for my writing and poetry. I had an apartment in downtown Atlanta, was dating chicks from various cultures and backgrounds, partying heavily and was really making my path. I also had just entered a dark period of life as my grandpops passed and I had broken up with a girl I loved. I was working for a record store and freelancing with different magazines and even appearing in some.
The thing was that I was still very young,naive and just not giving a fuck. I had these dreams of having my own magazine,clothing line and record label. NO ONE could stop me. I ignored my elders who knew I was talented but told me "hey go into a specialized field to fall back on".. That was defeatist to me because I felt like I was not going to fail, like I had life all wrapped up. I mean I was broke and still hitting off models, I had good connections, shit AG Entertainment gave me free reign at all the clubs they hosted and I was printing cd covers and shit for dudes like Drama and Def Jam South. I was flying high until I quit my job and became a nomad. I was working here and there and was really pursuing the music. It was during this period that I found out that the record industry has no love for itself and chews people up and dribbles them out. I found out how cold and dishonest people could be. I found out that you may eat today and starve tomorrow and no one cares.
I never asked for help and was blessed to have a female to hold me down. I dug myself out of an immense dark tunnel to get to where I am now. I AM STILL NOWHERE YET. I may have a house and a couple cars and wonderful friends and family, yet still I have this sense that I should be doing more. Life is a journey and a struggle and I know this. I just feel that I need a new sense of purpose and fulfillment. I am restless and am seeking new ways to find peace. I need to focus in now more than ever and find that new path. I haven't spoken to God in a while. I only mention this because I used to see the signs and hear the voice leading me in a direction. Yes, the voice and Lord knows I haven't been in a church in over 10 years. I just feel like I need that new guidance so that I can make that definitive move that takes away the worries I have about the future. I'm not trying to bounce job to job, I'm trying to build career wise and open up an Internet Cafe eventually. I still have very lofty goals. The only problem is that I'm standing at that fork and I could go left or I could go right.
I'm just standing here looking in both directions........................................................................................................